Welcome Friends

Welcome to Dookie Cigar! No, I regret to inform you, we are not purveyors of fine feces smokables. We’re dedicated to being the best (and only!) source of snarky commentary on the Houston Astros… and maybe other teams from Texas (some are good!) and probably a lot Vince Young (he’s great!) and maybe boobs (we like ‘em!). We feel compelled to bring a little of wit to the coverage of the Astros (and other Texas teams, and VY, and boobs) conversation. Frankly, your average ‘Stros fan is dumb as rocks -- probably because the average Astros fan hails from Houston. Houston sucks. That’s why we live in Austin. Austin is great. Alas, Austin has no professional sports teams unless you count the fine, upstanding he-shes of the roller derby league-a-ma-jigger (I believe it’s known as the National Dykes with Dicks on Skates Association, you know, the NDDSA?—it’s a proud institution of Austin).

Regardless, fate, local circumstances, and convenience have determined that we should be Astros fans. And we’re damn proud of it! Well, except for the part about how they employ Brad Ausmus (he hits like a woman—and a small, not-athletically gifted one at that) or that vainglorious prick Roger Clemens. We do like Roy Oswalt. He’s a male-pattern bad-ass! We like Lance Berkman a lot, too, but that’s because we’re not into alternative life-styles. Big Puma told us God hates them queers, and you have to listen to advice from a man who calls himself Big Puma. We also like Adam Everett… No, we don’t have anything bad to say about him. He’s about the best fielding short stop ever, and Omar Vizquel rigged the voting to get that Golden Glove. It’s a fucking travesty that Everett didn’t win. A travesty!!!

Ahem. The name dookie-cigar originates with a nick name for the past and current Astros reliever Trever Miller. At the start of the 2006 season, Trever Miller pitched so poorly I remarked that Miller was as bad as a dookie cigar (the origins of said phrase being, to my knowledge, an SNL sketch involving Will Ferrell as a guest host -- in an otherwise exceptionally shitty season -- wherein his character had a particularly off-putting mouth funk. One cast member, I’m not sure who said it, possibly, the singularly execrable, Horatio Sans, regardless, this cast member inquired if Ferrell’s character had, perchance, smoked a dookie cigar. Trever Miller’s pitching reminded us of a dookie cigar, and thus this website was born.

Enjoy motherfuckers,

Donovan and Mitch